Radioactive Cannibal Vikings from Hell (2007)

Radioactive Cannibal Vikings from Hell (2007) - Sweden

Directed by: Nils Härgestam

ABOUT THE FILM:

Sweden-based indie movie-makers Nils B-Films brings us this tale of four criminals who are on the run as they come across a house, encountering a family of vikings that have long been cut off from society and are still stuck in the old times. It just so happens to be that this family of vikings are also cannibals.

..Oh, and they're radioactive.

REVIEW:

I had no idea what to expect when I first sat down to watch this. With a title like that, it could only have been great, right? Well...

I have to give the filmmakers credit for at least bothering to tell us a story. Each scene transitions fairly smoothly and tells us all we need to know about our characters in order to follow them through the film. Despite the obvious nods to Peter Jackson's Bad Taste, the story is still fun and helps keep the viewer entertained. The acting works well enough for such a low-budget film, as the cast gives a delivery hammier than a slab of bacon. The gore effects are so amateurish and laughable that they almost make Der Henker look like Tom Savini's finest hour... Okay, maybe not that bad. Some of the creatures look kind of cool.

Shot on low-quality digital video and edited with Windows Movie Maker. Despite the cheap camera, everything is shot well enough and everything is focused. The editing is serviceable for a product of second-rate editing software, and the English subtitles are at least well-timed.

Overall, I'd say that this film was a passable effort. While nothing too special, it's at least a fun watch for a rainy afternoon.

RELEASES:

-Unfortunately I couldn't find any information on this film's DVD release, if there ever was one. However, this film is available to watch online officially. I will provide a link below.

https://vimeo.com/8458110

Schlampen Schlächter (2006)

Schlampen Schlächter (2006) - Austria

Directed by: David Mayrhofer

ABOUT THE FILM:

The Austria-based film crew Blutbad Productions returns with another short tale of grisly carnage, Schlampen Schlächter (roughly translating to The Slut Butcher).

Schlampen Schlächter tells the story of a man who comes home after a long day's work, with a bouquet of flowers. We later find out that it's him and his wife's anniversary. But uh-oh, he walks in on his wife having sex with another man! As a result, he starts cutting himself, before he gets a better idea.. He decides to get bloody revenge on his cheating slut wife!

REVIEW:

I'm not going to lie, so far I've been disappointed with the output from Blutbad Productions. After years of searching for these films and hearing such good things, I've been let down by how mediocre they actually turned out to be so far.

I really wanted to like this one, because it does have a few good elements to it, but unfortunately, the negative aspects outweigh the good.

The Good:

The filmmakers were clearly trying to give us a story with interesting characters. Perhaps I'm missing something more, due to the language barrier, but they were at least trying to tell us something.

The Bad:

Most importantly, the acting kills any kind of tension or investment that the viewer could have felt. The performances are completely lifeless and void of any emotion, therefore making it impossible to feel for the characters. Even if I understood German, I wouldn't be able to follow the movie because the sound mix is so terrible, you can barely hear the "actors." The fake cries of pain from the actress got irritating within 15 seconds, and she just never shut up. I was waiting for the guy to just cut her tongue out.

On that note, the special effects feel half-hearted and the camera will shy away from most of the carnage. The camera work is shaky, the lighting is shitty, the editing is inconsistent and choppy; there is just so much wrong with this short that I could not enjoy it.

RELEASES:

-Schlampen Schlächter was self-released on DVD in 2006 by Blutbad Productions.

    Extras:

    -Trailer: Schlampen Schlächter

    -Blutbad Productions Trailers

Fetisch: Das Porträt (1998)

Fetisch: Das Porträt (1998) - Germany

Directed by: Christian Meinert and Markus Helmecke

ABOUT THE FILM:

Fetisch was made during the summer of 1998 with a VHS camera, a videotape recorder and a budget of less than 50 Deutschmarks. Whereas it was originally made simply to test splatter effects and to entertain themselves and their friends, the creators Christian and Markus were surprised when their film garnered a lot of attention in the underground film scene and even got to be screened a few times. This inspired the creators to continue making films.

This 19-minute short plays out kind of like a documentary. It revolves around a camera crew who interviews a cold, ruthless serial killer as he describes all of the murders he has committed in grueling detail. At some points, the camera team even follows him around as he commits his ghastly crime. Absolutely none of the camera crew spares any effort to step in and help the victims, making the whole program feel much more shady..

REVIEW:

I must say that I was pleasantly surprised by this little short film.

As opposed to most of the other movies I've reviewed, this one had a plot and actually took time to flesh it out across the run time. Although slightly derivative of other works such as Man Bites Dog, the story is well-paced and will actually keep the viewer interested. Even though the story is used primarily to set up and connect the various splatter scenes, it still works much better than just juxtaposing each scene with no consistency.

On that note, the special effects feel perfect for such a low-budget film. The gore makeup is decent and had a fair amount of effort put into it, and the blood isn't crazy over-the-top. It actually felt a little realistic watching the murder scenes.

Despite the language barrier, the acting, while not great, feels believable enough for the given characters and scenarios. The main character seems to have absolutely no remorse or second thoughts for his actions, and the actor manages to sell this with his performance.

Minus a few shots here and there, the film has decent lighting and camera work, and the editing helps keep the film at a consistent pace.

It's obvious that the filmmakers really cared about making this film enjoyable, and they succeeded, especially when they were working with practically nothing. I can see why this one managed to expand beyond their home and gather some attention, because even 21 years later, it deserves to be seen. Overall, this one was actually very good! It's not perfect, but it's a breath of fresh air after wading through some of the garbage I've seen. This film is proof that even the most amateurish and underground movies can be better than the mainstream, because these projects are crafted out of passion, and very, very rarely are they made just to cash in.

If you can find Fetisch, I recommend it.

RELEASES:

-Fetisch was originally released on VHS in 1998 under the brand Badeleben TV, and sold off of the Gory News magazine and the filmmaker's old website.

    Extras:

    -Outtakes

-It was later re-released on a 2-DVD set in 2008, with its cleverly-titled sequel Fetisch 2 by Der Gute Blutfilm.

    Disc 1:

    -Fetisch 1 (with audio commentary)

    -Bonus Short: Magenta (with audio commentary)

    -Set Photos

    Disc 2:

    -Fetisch 2 (with audio commentary)

    -Bonus Short: Schwarz

    -Making of Fetisch 2 - Part 1

    -Making of Fetisch 2 - Part 2

    -Deleted Scenes

Das Komabrutale Kifferduell (2002)

Das Komabrutale Kifferduell (2002) - Germany

Directed by: "Kiffer Ditsch"

ABOUT THE FILM:

Before I start, I would like to state that this film is completely different from Das Komabrutale Duell, which was made before this film by a different director, named Heiko Fipper. Das Komabrutale Kifferduell is a 22-minute short that was made in 2002 by fans of the original Heiko Fipper film.

Das Komabrutale Kifferduell is a very loosely connected series of murder scenes. We see people getting killed by maniacs in Ghostface and Michael Jackson masks, and we follow up with scenes of teenagers smoking pot and then killing each other.. all because of their disturbed childhoods (according to the back of the box, anyway).

REVIEW:

I will be taking this review in a different direction, as I present to you..

How Not To Make a Movie! (In 8 Steps)

-Step 1:

Make sure that you shoot your film in the order you wish to present it and avoid edits; let the camera linger on the action. Shaking the camera constantly to annoy your viewers and give them headaches makes for extra points!

-Step 2:

Anyone starring in your film must suck at acting.

-Step 3:

You're working with a tight budget. In order to cut corners, borrow the family Hi-8 camcorder and dig out old Halloween costumes.

-Step 4:

To achieve making high-end, A-class special effects, legs that are to be cut off should consist of hay and cardboard boxes stuffed inside of a pair of jeans. Blood may consist of watered down ketchup and chocolate sauce, and squibs can be made with firecrackers.

-Step 5:

So that the viewer doesn't get confused at your jumbled mess of a story, make sure that you narrate the action behind the camera while rolling, and make no effort to stifle laughter while filming the grisly gore effects.

-Step 6:

Let's face it, hiring someone to score your film or even earning the rights to use music in your film costs money. In order to avoid this, simply play music off of a speaker behind the camera.

-Step 7:

???

-Step 8:

PROFIT!

Congratulations! You have completed your festering pile of manure!

For the longest time, I never thought that horror movies could get any more amateurish. I've long since been proven wrong, but Das Komabrutale Kifferduell still stands strong as one of the worst amateur films I've ever seen in my life. But come to think of it, I want to believe that this was purposely made to be bad. I have two reasons to back up this claim.

For starters, the back of the DVD cover states that they couldn't show any screenshots, due to the graphic nature of the film. This is an obvious bait, almost as if they wanted to really sell the unsuspecting viewer. And secondly, when doing research, I found a review of another film they did on a long-defunct amateur film website. The film in question was apparently created in 2004 and titled The Newtown Insanity Massacre. According to the reviewer, Newtown was vastly superior to Kifferduell, featuring a coherent story and awesome splatter effects. Unfortunately, that film hasn't seen the light of day, as only a handful of screeners were sent out back then. I would probably have more luck getting this film if the credits in Kifferduell weren't completely made up of fake names. Maybe some day...

Until then, I can only write off Kifferduell as a big joke, as it was likely intended to be.

...Or maybe it is just a big piece of crap.

RELEASES:

-Das Komabrutale Kifferduell was originally released on VHS by DDSP Productions in 2002, and was strictly limited to 100 copies.

Pictured below is the only existing image of the cover for the lost Newtown video, along with a recreation of the cover I made.

Schlachtfest (2018)

Schlachtfest (2018) - Germany

Directed by: Pierre MaDo

ABOUT THE FILM:

Oh boy, we get to dive a little deeper into that seedy underbelly of the German underground.. After the release of their short film Bite It You Scum! in 2015, MaDo Films returns in 2018 with their latest experiment in low-brow schlock, Schlachtfest.

This 18-minute short film plays out like a series of vignettes looking into the lives of some seriously fucked up people, as they slice, dice and torture innocent people brutally, with each vignette having seemingly no connection to the last.

REVIEW:

Powered by a death/grindcore soundtrack, Schlachtfest is an exercise in concentrated bad taste. Legs, penises and other appendages are lopped off in an ocean of blood, a homeless guy is raped in a park, guts are torn open and penetrated, and so much more happens in this insane near-zero-budget romp.

First I would like to address the.. amusing gore effects. The blood looks real enough in color, yet flows out of each wound like a fire hose. The actual gore effects are cheap and consist of obvious rubber penises and Halloween store-bought props, but the over-the-top sprays of blood will certainly please gorehounds.

Barring a couple of cast members, the acting is acceptable. A lot of dialogue seems to have been dubbed over in post, which I did not mind, because every bit of dialogue at least matches the actor's mouth movements. On that note, I would like to address the look of the film. It was edited in such a way as to make it look like a dingy home movie. Granted, although using film scratch and vignette filters, the editing style accompanied with the camera quality really helps make this film feel even grimier than it is.

If you happen to be a fan of sick schlock, I would recommend giving Schlachtfest a watch.

RELEASES:

-This film was released in 2018 by MaDo Films on DVD in Germany.

    Extras:

    -Bonus Clip

    -Original Trailer

    -Outtakes

-It was then released in the United States by Toxic Filth Video in 2019.

    Extras:

    -Bonus Clip

    -Original Trailer

    -Outtakes

    -Extra Trailers