Radioactive Cannibal Vikings from Hell (2007)

Radioactive Cannibal Vikings from Hell (2007) - Sweden

Directed by: Nils Härgestam

ABOUT THE FILM:

Sweden-based indie movie-makers Nils B-Films brings us this tale of four criminals who are on the run as they come across a house, encountering a family of vikings that have long been cut off from society and are still stuck in the old times. It just so happens to be that this family of vikings are also cannibals.

..Oh, and they're radioactive.

REVIEW:

I had no idea what to expect when I first sat down to watch this. With a title like that, it could only have been great, right? Well...

I have to give the filmmakers credit for at least bothering to tell us a story. Each scene transitions fairly smoothly and tells us all we need to know about our characters in order to follow them through the film. Despite the obvious nods to Peter Jackson's Bad Taste, the story is still fun and helps keep the viewer entertained. The acting works well enough for such a low-budget film, as the cast gives a delivery hammier than a slab of bacon. The gore effects are so amateurish and laughable that they almost make Der Henker look like Tom Savini's finest hour... Okay, maybe not that bad. Some of the creatures look kind of cool.

Shot on low-quality digital video and edited with Windows Movie Maker. Despite the cheap camera, everything is shot well enough and everything is focused. The editing is serviceable for a product of second-rate editing software, and the English subtitles are at least well-timed.

Overall, I'd say that this film was a passable effort. While nothing too special, it's at least a fun watch for a rainy afternoon.

RELEASES:

-Unfortunately I couldn't find any information on this film's DVD release, if there ever was one. However, this film is available to watch online officially. I will provide a link below.

https://vimeo.com/8458110

Ossarium (2018)

Ossarium (2018) - Czech Republic & Germany

Directed by: René Wiesner

ABOUT THE FILM:

First of all, I'd like to thank the director for giving me access to a screener copy.

Ossarium is a 10-minute short film that was created by independent director René Wiesner. It was shot in Germany and in the Czech Republic, on the grounds of the famous Sedlec Ossuary, an underground Roman Catholic chapel filled with the skeletal remains of anywhere from 40-70 thousand people, whose bones have been refurbished into decorations.

This short film has no dialogue, and features a young girl as she ventures into the Sedlec Ossuary to gander at its macabre beauty. We get endless shots of all the remains as well as various bits of religious symbolism along the way. The young lady then finds herself drawn to a particular skull, which she ends up taking away from the chapel, and then proceeds to examine and hold close to her as she stands in a forest.

REVIEW:

Despite this being the only work I've seen from this director, I can tell he seems to have a fascination with the macabre.

The camera lingers on shots of endless numbers of skulls and bones within the chapel, not shying away from the various different arrangements and artistically crafted furnishings. For good measure, we also get to see different pieces of Roman Catholic imagery, such as angels and Jesus on the cross.

It's definitely interesting to look at such a piece of history, and it is fascinating to see the dead displayed in such an artistic form. Whereas I commend the effort to give a narrative without dialogue, the focus seems to be drawn closer to the imagery within the chapel rather than the actual story.

What story is present is interesting, however it leaves questions with the viewer that beg an answer. I can understand the young lady's fascination with the dead. I mean, who isn't curious about death? But why does she take the skull and why does she just stand in the forest examining it? Is there something about this particular skull that personally means something to her? I feel like if that were a little further fleshed out, this short would be a lot better, and we would know more about her character.

However, the vague story is the only blemish on this record. The editing keeps things consistent, the camera work is smooth and helps establish each scene well, the lighting and colors look natural and help make everything pop out, and the background music is what really keeps you watching. The normal look of the settings contrasted by the low, ominous music may cause a feeling of unease or uncertainty in the viewer. The quiet music slowly swells and builds up, which will make the viewer curious as to what will happen next.

It's an interesting look at history as it stands. The unsettling displays of human remains makes for an interesting look into the history of the Czech Republic.

I feel this short works better for people with a special interest in the darker side of art and history, better than a proper short film. Regardless, I felt that Ossarium was still worth a watch.

RELEASES:

-Ossarium was released as part of René Wiesner's Pulp Films, a DVD collection of Wiesner's other shorts. This DVD was released in 2020 by Vile Video Productions and can be ordered here.

Schlampen Schlächter (2006)

Schlampen Schlächter (2006) - Austria

Directed by: David Mayrhofer

ABOUT THE FILM:

The Austria-based film crew Blutbad Productions returns with another short tale of grisly carnage, Schlampen Schlächter (roughly translating to The Slut Butcher).

Schlampen Schlächter tells the story of a man who comes home after a long day's work, with a bouquet of flowers. We later find out that it's him and his wife's anniversary. But uh-oh, he walks in on his wife having sex with another man! As a result, he starts cutting himself, before he gets a better idea.. He decides to get bloody revenge on his cheating slut wife!

REVIEW:

I'm not going to lie, so far I've been disappointed with the output from Blutbad Productions. After years of searching for these films and hearing such good things, I've been let down by how mediocre they actually turned out to be so far.

I really wanted to like this one, because it does have a few good elements to it, but unfortunately, the negative aspects outweigh the good.

The Good:

The filmmakers were clearly trying to give us a story with interesting characters. Perhaps I'm missing something more, due to the language barrier, but they were at least trying to tell us something.

The Bad:

Most importantly, the acting kills any kind of tension or investment that the viewer could have felt. The performances are completely lifeless and void of any emotion, therefore making it impossible to feel for the characters. Even if I understood German, I wouldn't be able to follow the movie because the sound mix is so terrible, you can barely hear the "actors." The fake cries of pain from the actress got irritating within 15 seconds, and she just never shut up. I was waiting for the guy to just cut her tongue out.

On that note, the special effects feel half-hearted and the camera will shy away from most of the carnage. The camera work is shaky, the lighting is shitty, the editing is inconsistent and choppy; there is just so much wrong with this short that I could not enjoy it.

RELEASES:

-Schlampen Schlächter was self-released on DVD in 2006 by Blutbad Productions.

    Extras:

    -Trailer: Schlampen Schlächter

    -Blutbad Productions Trailers

Fetisch: Das Porträt (1998)

Fetisch: Das Porträt (1998) - Germany

Directed by: Christian Meinert and Markus Helmecke

ABOUT THE FILM:

Fetisch was made during the summer of 1998 with a VHS camera, a videotape recorder and a budget of less than 50 Deutschmarks. Whereas it was originally made simply to test splatter effects and to entertain themselves and their friends, the creators Christian and Markus were surprised when their film garnered a lot of attention in the underground film scene and even got to be screened a few times. This inspired the creators to continue making films.

This 19-minute short plays out kind of like a documentary. It revolves around a camera crew who interviews a cold, ruthless serial killer as he describes all of the murders he has committed in grueling detail. At some points, the camera team even follows him around as he commits his ghastly crime. Absolutely none of the camera crew spares any effort to step in and help the victims, making the whole program feel much more shady..

REVIEW:

I must say that I was pleasantly surprised by this little short film.

As opposed to most of the other movies I've reviewed, this one had a plot and actually took time to flesh it out across the run time. Although slightly derivative of other works such as Man Bites Dog, the story is well-paced and will actually keep the viewer interested. Even though the story is used primarily to set up and connect the various splatter scenes, it still works much better than just juxtaposing each scene with no consistency.

On that note, the special effects feel perfect for such a low-budget film. The gore makeup is decent and had a fair amount of effort put into it, and the blood isn't crazy over-the-top. It actually felt a little realistic watching the murder scenes.

Despite the language barrier, the acting, while not great, feels believable enough for the given characters and scenarios. The main character seems to have absolutely no remorse or second thoughts for his actions, and the actor manages to sell this with his performance.

Minus a few shots here and there, the film has decent lighting and camera work, and the editing helps keep the film at a consistent pace.

It's obvious that the filmmakers really cared about making this film enjoyable, and they succeeded, especially when they were working with practically nothing. I can see why this one managed to expand beyond their home and gather some attention, because even 21 years later, it deserves to be seen. Overall, this one was actually very good! It's not perfect, but it's a breath of fresh air after wading through some of the garbage I've seen. This film is proof that even the most amateurish and underground movies can be better than the mainstream, because these projects are crafted out of passion, and very, very rarely are they made just to cash in.

If you can find Fetisch, I recommend it.

RELEASES:

-Fetisch was originally released on VHS in 1998 under the brand Badeleben TV, and sold off of the Gory News magazine and the filmmaker's old website.

    Extras:

    -Outtakes

-It was later re-released on a 2-DVD set in 2008, with its cleverly-titled sequel Fetisch 2 by Der Gute Blutfilm.

    Disc 1:

    -Fetisch 1 (with audio commentary)

    -Bonus Short: Magenta (with audio commentary)

    -Set Photos

    Disc 2:

    -Fetisch 2 (with audio commentary)

    -Bonus Short: Schwarz

    -Making of Fetisch 2 - Part 1

    -Making of Fetisch 2 - Part 2

    -Deleted Scenes

Das Komabrutale Kifferduell (2002)

Das Komabrutale Kifferduell (2002) - Germany

Directed by: "Kiffer Ditsch"

ABOUT THE FILM:

Before I start, I would like to state that this film is completely different from Das Komabrutale Duell, which was made before this film by a different director, named Heiko Fipper. Das Komabrutale Kifferduell is a 22-minute short that was made in 2002 by fans of the original Heiko Fipper film.

Das Komabrutale Kifferduell is a very loosely connected series of murder scenes. We see people getting killed by maniacs in Ghostface and Michael Jackson masks, and we follow up with scenes of teenagers smoking pot and then killing each other.. all because of their disturbed childhoods (according to the back of the box, anyway).

REVIEW:

I will be taking this review in a different direction, as I present to you..

How Not To Make a Movie! (In 8 Steps)

-Step 1:

Make sure that you shoot your film in the order you wish to present it and avoid edits; let the camera linger on the action. Shaking the camera constantly to annoy your viewers and give them headaches makes for extra points!

-Step 2:

Anyone starring in your film must suck at acting.

-Step 3:

You're working with a tight budget. In order to cut corners, borrow the family Hi-8 camcorder and dig out old Halloween costumes.

-Step 4:

To achieve making high-end, A-class special effects, legs that are to be cut off should consist of hay and cardboard boxes stuffed inside of a pair of jeans. Blood may consist of watered down ketchup and chocolate sauce, and squibs can be made with firecrackers.

-Step 5:

So that the viewer doesn't get confused at your jumbled mess of a story, make sure that you narrate the action behind the camera while rolling, and make no effort to stifle laughter while filming the grisly gore effects.

-Step 6:

Let's face it, hiring someone to score your film or even earning the rights to use music in your film costs money. In order to avoid this, simply play music off of a speaker behind the camera.

-Step 7:

???

-Step 8:

PROFIT!

Congratulations! You have completed your festering pile of manure!

For the longest time, I never thought that horror movies could get any more amateurish. I've long since been proven wrong, but Das Komabrutale Kifferduell still stands strong as one of the worst amateur films I've ever seen in my life. But come to think of it, I want to believe that this was purposely made to be bad. I have two reasons to back up this claim.

For starters, the back of the DVD cover states that they couldn't show any screenshots, due to the graphic nature of the film. This is an obvious bait, almost as if they wanted to really sell the unsuspecting viewer. And secondly, when doing research, I found a review of another film they did on a long-defunct amateur film website. The film in question was apparently created in 2004 and titled The Newtown Insanity Massacre. According to the reviewer, Newtown was vastly superior to Kifferduell, featuring a coherent story and awesome splatter effects. Unfortunately, that film hasn't seen the light of day, as only a handful of screeners were sent out back then. I would probably have more luck getting this film if the credits in Kifferduell weren't completely made up of fake names. Maybe some day...

Until then, I can only write off Kifferduell as a big joke, as it was likely intended to be.

...Or maybe it is just a big piece of crap.

RELEASES:

-Das Komabrutale Kifferduell was originally released on VHS by DDSP Productions in 2002, and was strictly limited to 100 copies.

Pictured below is the only existing image of the cover for the lost Newtown video, along with a recreation of the cover I made.

Schlachtfest (2018)

Schlachtfest (2018) - Germany

Directed by: Pierre MaDo

ABOUT THE FILM:

Oh boy, we get to dive a little deeper into that seedy underbelly of the German underground.. After the release of their short film Bite It You Scum! in 2015, MaDo Films returns in 2018 with their latest experiment in low-brow schlock, Schlachtfest.

This 18-minute short film plays out like a series of vignettes looking into the lives of some seriously fucked up people, as they slice, dice and torture innocent people brutally, with each vignette having seemingly no connection to the last.

REVIEW:

Powered by a death/grindcore soundtrack, Schlachtfest is an exercise in concentrated bad taste. Legs, penises and other appendages are lopped off in an ocean of blood, a homeless guy is raped in a park, guts are torn open and penetrated, and so much more happens in this insane near-zero-budget romp.

First I would like to address the.. amusing gore effects. The blood looks real enough in color, yet flows out of each wound like a fire hose. The actual gore effects are cheap and consist of obvious rubber penises and Halloween store-bought props, but the over-the-top sprays of blood will certainly please gorehounds.

Barring a couple of cast members, the acting is acceptable. A lot of dialogue seems to have been dubbed over in post, which I did not mind, because every bit of dialogue at least matches the actor's mouth movements. On that note, I would like to address the look of the film. It was edited in such a way as to make it look like a dingy home movie. Granted, although using film scratch and vignette filters, the editing style accompanied with the camera quality really helps make this film feel even grimier than it is.

If you happen to be a fan of sick schlock, I would recommend giving Schlachtfest a watch.

RELEASES:

-This film was released in 2018 by MaDo Films on DVD in Germany.

    Extras:

    -Bonus Clip

    -Original Trailer

    -Outtakes

-It was then released in the United States by Toxic Filth Video in 2019.

    Extras:

    -Bonus Clip

    -Original Trailer

    -Outtakes

    -Extra Trailers

Necrofiles of Gorehound (2006)

Necrofiles of Gorehound (2006) - Austria

Directed by: David Mayrhofer

ABOUT THE FILM:

Blutbad Productions was an independent film group that first emerged out of the Austrian underground in 2005 with the shorts I Cut My Hand and A Guads Neix Joah. The group was dedicated to creating and promoting amateur splatter films from across the German underground scene. From 2005-2007, they released several different titles under their brand and then faded away into obscurity, leaving us a selection of titles, such as this one.

Necrofiles of Gorehound has a mind-numbingly simple plot. A man and his girlfriend wander off from their group of friends into the woods, where the man then kills his girlfriend and proceeds to engage in necrophilia. That's pretty much it.

REVIEW:

It's hard to do this film any justice with a review, because it's so incredibly short with a run-time of only 8 minutes (!), but the only way I can describe it is that it's just another generic in-the-woods slasher film.

The filmmakers don't even bother to tell a story or give us interesting characters, and frankly, that doesn't even matter because of the short running time. The acting is nothing to write home about, and neither are the special (?) effects, which merely consist of spraying fake blood all over the actors.

The handheld, shaky camera work gets annoying fast and the film is comprised of very basic edits.

Overall, while this film isn't terrible, it's nothing good either. The extras on the DVD are more interesting than the main course. But, I have access to other films that have been released by Blutbad Productions, so there are hopefully much better things to look forward to.

RELEASES:

-Necrofiles of Gorehound was self-released on DVD in 2006 by Blutbad Productions and is packed chock full of extras!

    Extras:

    -Trailer: Necrofiles of Gorehound

    -Making-Of

    -Photo Gallery

    -Music Video for DJ Gepenheimer's "Give Me Pain"

    -Sick Man short film

    -Blutbad Productions Trailers

    -Amateur Film Trailershow

Click here to watch the film's teaser trailer, if you're interested.

Attack of the Killer Squirrel (1982)

Attack of the Killer Squirrel (1982) - Canada

Directed by: John Hargreaves

ABOUT THE FILM:

From the colorful and beautiful country of Canada comes a tacky film from Tacky Film Productions. This film was made in the early 1980s by a director named John Hargreaves and a cast of at least three other people.

The movie is about, surprise surprise, a ferocious little rodent that flies its way through the forest, attacking a group of friends. As they make their escape, one of their friends is decapitated by the killer squirrel. But no worries, because he is able to reattach and detach his head at will. The police are then involved and they set out on a hunt for this furry threat.

REVIEW:

I had been interested in seeing this film for a few years ever since I first saw an image of the VHS cover on Facebook, posted by Canada-based B-movie enthusiast Hamilton Trash Cinema.

Due to high demand, Hamilton Trash Cinema uploaded several VHS rips of different movies to his channel, and this thing managed to finally surface.

Whereas this film is very inept, it does show potential and manages to be a charming, harmless amateur film. One problem I had with the film was the dialogue and the dubbing. This short was shot on Super-8 film, with the dialogue later re-recorded onto the film strip. Whereas the dialogue does help transition from scene to scene, it is sometimes difficult to keep up because the actors will speak over each other, which does get annoying.

Another problem I had is the camera work. I understand they were working with practically nothing, but even for a home-movie this thing is ugly. Shot on washed out Super-8 film, the image is often very blurry and fuzzy. There are several shots with the camera out of focus, notably with opening and closing credits. It doesn't help that the credits were written on paper in what appears to be magic marker.

The story, while cheesy and chock full of unusual but amusing characters, is short and is fun. Whereas this film doesn't contain any blood or gore, it does play up a lot of the horror type elements for laughs, which ultimately works for a film whose villain is a killer squirrel. Of course, other films that revolve around nature turning on humankind can be played up in a serious manner, but most would find it hard to take a concept about a killer squirrel seriously. And of course, the acting, in terms of body language and dubbing, is terrible, but the actors were clearly just having fun making a movie.

This is the type of thing that a bundle of friends would make just to entertain themselves, without distribution or profits in mind. While the film is very high on the cheese meter, it's very entertaining and is worth at least one watch if you've got 25 minutes to kill.

RELEASES:

-The only known copy is an old VHS with a heavily worn and water-damaged cover.

The Wood of No Return (1999)

The Wood of No Return (1999) - Germany

Directed by: Kurt Perzl and Michael Valentin

ABOUT THE FILM:

After previously finishing their first full-length film Lost Town (1998), young Saarland-based filmmakers Michael Valentin and Kurt Perzl almost immediately set out to create their second movie, The Wood of No Return, which was filmed from 1998-1999.

The movie follows a group of young teenagers who sneak out into the woods to have a party at a small wooden lodge, complete with alcohol and music. Meanwhile, a depraved killer is on the loose (of course) and slowly picks each kid off one by one. The killer is shot by one of the kids, only to be magically brought back as a zombie. Can they survive his violent killing spree?

REVIEW:

Before I start, I'd like to say that I'm basing this review off of a crappy DVD copy of the VHS that I was given years ago. I'm not sure if the quality is better on later releases, but the terrible picture quality alone makes this movie even harder to watch than it already is. The frame rate constantly changes from scene to scene, as does the aspect ratio. The colors bleed into each other and will give you a headache after a while. And the worst part is, you're faced with this eye sore for a long 69 minutes.

That aside, I must say that I'm certainly glad to see that these filmmakers went on to do much better things, because frankly, this "film" is an unorganized, jumbled mess. Almost every single aspect of this film is awful. The acting, being done by kids, is terrible. The camera work, editing and sound design is all poorly done and is all over the place. The story is not only cliché, with a cast of boring and forgettable characters, but is painfully dragged out across the 69 minute running time, when it could have been maybe 25 minutes. Some characters are introduced for absolutely no reason but to be killed off, and then some are introduced, only for the movie to later tell us with on-screen text that they had somewhere else to be in the story, and then they are never seen again.

The special effects are incredibly amateurish. Often times you can see blood tubes and blood-balloons protruding through clothing, only to spurt out what looks to be very watered down ketchup. What few gore effects are present consist of cardboard torsos, poorly-made prosthetics that appear to have been made from oatmeal, and cow innards bought from the local butcher.

Giving credit where it's due, these kids were just beginning filmmakers. When you start off making movies, you can't just immediately kick off with masterpieces that will be remembered for the ages. Chances are you will start out quite rough. But with each film you make, you get more experience and learn more. You can only improve with each work.

And improve these guys did, as they went on to make better works such as P.O.E.D. A Little Drug Tale (2002) and El Guitarrista (2008). These films have made me excited to see what wonderful things they may bring us in the future.

As much as I like Mr. Valentin's later work, The Wood of No Return was an unwatchable, amateurish mess of a movie, which is saying a lot, being a fan of amateur movies myself.

On a side note, I'd like to take a moment to pay respects to Kurt Perzl, who played the killer. According to co-director Michael Valentin, Kurt passed away three years ago. My condolences go out to his family and loved ones, and may he rest in peace.

RELEASES:

-The Wood of No Return was originally self-released on VHS in 1999 by the filmmakers when they went under the name Fenris Video. There were no extras.

-The film was later re-released in very small numbers on Video-CD in 2001 under Fenris Video and Goreholio Filmworks (which Fenris Video completely changed their name to later on). Extras included a trailer for Wood of No Return, a trailer: Lost Town, and a bonus featurette called Extreme Sports: Extreme Stuhling.