The Wood of No Return (1999)

The Wood of No Return (1999) - Germany

Directed by: Kurt Perzl and Michael Valentin

ABOUT THE FILM:

After previously finishing their first full-length film Lost Town (1998), young Saarland-based filmmakers Michael Valentin and Kurt Perzl almost immediately set out to create their second movie, The Wood of No Return, which was filmed from 1998-1999.

The movie follows a group of young teenagers who sneak out into the woods to have a party at a small wooden lodge, complete with alcohol and music. Meanwhile, a depraved killer is on the loose (of course) and slowly picks each kid off one by one. The killer is shot by one of the kids, only to be magically brought back as a zombie. Can they survive his violent killing spree?

REVIEW:

Before I start, I'd like to say that I'm basing this review off of a crappy DVD copy of the VHS that I was given years ago. I'm not sure if the quality is better on later releases, but the terrible picture quality alone makes this movie even harder to watch than it already is. The frame rate constantly changes from scene to scene, as does the aspect ratio. The colors bleed into each other and will give you a headache after a while. And the worst part is, you're faced with this eye sore for a long 69 minutes.

That aside, I must say that I'm certainly glad to see that these filmmakers went on to do much better things, because frankly, this "film" is an unorganized, jumbled mess. Almost every single aspect of this film is awful. The acting, being done by kids, is terrible. The camera work, editing and sound design is all poorly done and is all over the place. The story is not only cliché, with a cast of boring and forgettable characters, but is painfully dragged out across the 69 minute running time, when it could have been maybe 25 minutes. Some characters are introduced for absolutely no reason but to be killed off, and then some are introduced, only for the movie to later tell us with on-screen text that they had somewhere else to be in the story, and then they are never seen again.

The special effects are incredibly amateurish. Often times you can see blood tubes and blood-balloons protruding through clothing, only to spurt out what looks to be very watered down ketchup. What few gore effects are present consist of cardboard torsos, poorly-made prosthetics that appear to have been made from oatmeal, and cow innards bought from the local butcher.

Giving credit where it's due, these kids were just beginning filmmakers. When you start off making movies, you can't just immediately kick off with masterpieces that will be remembered for the ages. Chances are you will start out quite rough. But with each film you make, you get more experience and learn more. You can only improve with each work.

And improve these guys did, as they went on to make better works such as P.O.E.D. A Little Drug Tale (2002) and El Guitarrista (2008). These films have made me excited to see what wonderful things they may bring us in the future.

As much as I like Mr. Valentin's later work, The Wood of No Return was an unwatchable, amateurish mess of a movie, which is saying a lot, being a fan of amateur movies myself.

On a side note, I'd like to take a moment to pay respects to Kurt Perzl, who played the killer. According to co-director Michael Valentin, Kurt passed away three years ago. My condolences go out to his family and loved ones, and may he rest in peace.

RELEASES:

-The Wood of No Return was originally self-released on VHS in 1999 by the filmmakers when they went under the name Fenris Video. There were no extras.

-The film was later re-released in very small numbers on Video-CD in 2001 under Fenris Video and Goreholio Filmworks (which Fenris Video completely changed their name to later on). Extras included a trailer for Wood of No Return, a trailer: Lost Town, and a bonus featurette called Extreme Sports: Extreme Stuhling.